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Author Topic: The REAL daily joke thread:  (Read 2008 times)

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Offline BB_Neen

The REAL daily joke thread:
« Reply #90 on: Jan 02, 2017, 12:00 AM »
Not for nothing, but your forum name is funnier than that joke
 
  How about this one: what did the grape say when he got stepped on?
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
  Nothing, he just let out a little wine...bad...I know :P

Offline Orrscores

The REAL daily joke thread:
« Reply #91 on: Jan 02, 2017, 12:00 AM »
Did you hear about the guy who drove to the beer store with his toddler child in the back seat? He went into store and bought a case of beer,went out to his car forgetting the child was in back seat. Opened the door and threw the case of beer into the back seat and it landed right on the child!!!!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
  Child is fine...it was light beer!!
 
  Tell me to stop any time..everybody here does!! Lol
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Offline Orrscores

The REAL daily joke thread:
« Reply #92 on: Jan 02, 2017, 12:00 AM »
    
       
          
                        
                Quote Originally Posted by Arghacceptmyname                 View Post              
             
I wasn't gonna do it but have changed my mind. It's 2017 and all.
 
  Guy with no arms and no legs tries out for the swim team. Coach says "Um, are you sure?"
   
  "Yes! Just let me show you what I've got!"
 
  So they get him onto the diving board, he topples in... and sinks to the bottom. After a moment the coach dispatches a couple of other swimmers to drag him out.
 
  "Son, maybe the Swim Team isn't for you."
 
  "Coach! Let me try again! I had a cramp!"
                  
    
 
I wasn't. Going to either but seeing how you set me up... Guy with no arms or legs in a pool? Was his name BOB!! If he were laying in front of a door his name would be MATT.
 
 
  I'm sorry...I had too😋
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Offline BB_vonline

The REAL daily joke thread:
« Reply #93 on: Jan 03, 2017, 12:00 AM »
What happens when you splice a lizard with a turkey?
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
  You lose your grant funding and are visited by the University ethics committee.

Offline BB_Flonner

The REAL daily joke thread:
« Reply #94 on: Jan 03, 2017, 12:00 AM »
    
       
          
                        
                Quote Originally Posted by vonline                 View Post              
             
What happens when you splice a lizard with a turkey?
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
  You lose your grant funding and are visited by the University ethics committee.
                  
    
 

 
 
  ..........................................

Offline BB_Laisanity1221

The REAL daily joke thread:
« Reply #95 on: Jan 04, 2017, 12:00 AM »
    
       
          
                        
                Quote Originally Posted by Flonner                 View Post              
             

  ..........................................
                  
    
 
hahaha what the heck is this lol

Offline BB_Flonner

The REAL daily joke thread:
« Reply #96 on: Jan 04, 2017, 12:00 AM »
A splice between a violin and a cricket...

Offline Orrscores

The REAL daily joke thread:
« Reply #97 on: Jan 05, 2017, 12:00 AM »
    
       
          
                        
                Quote Originally Posted by Flonner                 View Post              
             
A splice between a violin and a cricket...
                  
    
 
You've been watching cricket porn again? Sick I say...there are therapist for that.
 
  Ps; I'm pretty sure that's a grasshopper. 😏
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Offline BB_Flonner

The REAL daily joke thread:
« Reply #98 on: Jan 05, 2017, 12:00 AM »
    
       
          
                        
                Quote Originally Posted by Orrscores                 View Post              
             
You've been watching cricket porn again? Sick I say...there are therapist for that.
 
  Ps; I'm pretty sure that's a grasshopper. 
                  
    
 
that there is a damn cricket!  as a Boston fan I would have thought you would know all about crickets, that's all you can hear during most Bruins games.

Offline Orrscores

The REAL daily joke thread:
« Reply #99 on: Jan 05, 2017, 12:00 AM »
    
       
          
                        
                Quote Originally Posted by Flonner                 View Post              
             
that there is a damn cricket!  as a Boston fan I would have thought you would know all about crickets, that's all you can hear during most Bruins games.
                  
    
 
Sorry but that's a grasshopper or a locus...just saying..I passed this pic around the job site and everybody said...grasshopper!!! Crickets are brown and don't have heads like that. I wish I could post pics.
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Offline BB_Neen

The REAL daily joke thread:
« Reply #100 on: Jan 05, 2017, 12:00 AM »
It's a grasshopper!  
 
 
 
  )
 
  But flonner's too "manly" to click the links & check the facts lol
 
  We've got tons of both of these where I live. It sounds like a fairy land at night with their music. When I was little, I put a cricket in my easy bake oven...I still feel bad about that lol! (And no, I wasn't baking any cakes in that thing after that )

Offline Orrscores

The REAL daily joke thread:
« Reply #101 on: Jan 05, 2017, 12:00 AM »
    
       
          
                        
                Quote Originally Posted by Neen                 View Post              
             
It's a grasshopper!  
 
 
 
  )
 
  But flonner's too "manly" to click the links & check the facts lol
 
  We've got tons of both of these where I live. It sounds like a fairy land at night with their music. When I was little, I put a cricket in my easy bake oven...I still feel bad about that lol! (And no, I wasn't baking any cakes in that thing after that )
                  
    
 
And that may be a viola and not a violin but I won't argue that one...I would have to either see the size or just look at the bow.
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Offline BB_Neen

The REAL daily joke thread:
« Reply #102 on: Jan 05, 2017, 12:00 AM »
Ah hahahahahaha!
 
  Let's not start comparing sizes boys!

Offline BB_Flonner

The REAL daily joke thread:
« Reply #103 on: Jan 05, 2017, 12:00 AM »
    
       
          
                        
                Quote Originally Posted by Neen                 View Post              
             
It's a grasshopper!  
 
 
 
  )
 
  But flonner's too "manly" to click the links & check the facts lol
 
  We've got tons of both of these where I live. It sounds like a fairy land at night with their music. When I was little, I put a cricket in my easy bake oven...I still feel bad about that lol! (And no, I wasn't baking any cakes in that thing after that )
                  
    
 
    
       
          
                        
                Quote Originally Posted by Orrscores                 View Post              
             
Sorry but that's a grasshopper or a locus...just saying..I passed this pic around the job site and everybody said...grasshopper!!! Crickets are brown and don't have heads like that. I wish I could post pics.
                  
    
 

  First off you 2 need to lay off whatever it is you are smoking down south because it's just not working for you!!!
 

  That there is a bloody cricket!  To be more precise the great green bush-cricket or tettigonia viridissima.  The adult males grow up to 28–36 millimetres (1.1–1.4 in) long, while females reach 32–42 millimetres (1.3–1.7 in). This insect is most often completely green (but there are specimens completely yellowish or with yellow legs), excluding a rust-colored band on top of the body.
 
  Tettigonia viridissima
is distinguished by its very long and thin antennae, which can sometimes reach up to three times the length of the body, thus differentiating them from grasshopperss, which always carry short antennae. It could be confused with Tettigonia cantans, whose wings are a centimeter shorter than the ovipositor, or Tettigonia caudata whose hind femurs bear conspicuous black spines.

Offline rowman">BB_rowman

The REAL daily joke thread:
« Reply #104 on: Jan 05, 2017, 12:00 AM »
Four friends, a doctor of medicine, a car salesman, a minister and a Boom Beach programmer decided to play a round of golf. The doctor offered to drive, so they all got into his car. While going down the road, the car suddenly slowed, they heard thumping noises, and the car started to lean to the front right. The doctor pulled off the road, turned the car off and said: "I deal with injured people, not machines. What do we do?"
 
  The car salesman spoke first: "The problem is that this vehicle is two years old. The newer models don't have this problem. Let us simply walk to the dealership and get you a new car."
 
  "That is not the problem, nor the solution" said the minister. "This vehicle is obviously possessed by a demon spirit. I shall exorcise it!"
 
  The Boom Beach programmer chuckled then said "Gentlemen, what we have is simply a flat tire in the front right. I will take care of it for you". He then stepped out of the car.
 
  Fifteen minutes later, he got back in the car and said "Problem resolved, let us get going". The doctor started the car, gunned the engine, but the car barely moved and the thumping was much louder. They all looked at the programmer and yelled "What the heck did you do?" The programmer replied "It should have worked. Since we had a bug in the left front tire, I simply flattened the left rear tire to achieve the proper balance."